The experience of betrayal can be extremely challenging to move past, especially on an emotional level. Besides the potential results of betrayal in a practical sense, the most hurtful aspect is that it comes from someone you have trusted and possibly even loved. As an anonymous quote goes, ‘The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies; it comes from those you trust the most.’ As King David prophesied of Jesus’s betrayal by Judas, ‘Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.’
As troubling as betrayal is, however, it is almost unavoidable in life. I say almost because if one chooses never to trust another and never make oneself vulnerable to another by living in isolation, one might avoid it. The cost of never trusting others and avoiding all life-giving relationships would take a far more serious toll on one’s soul than betrayal itself, however.
Unfortunately, the rise of broken families (often due to betrayal) over the last several decades has resulted in a corresponding rise of people prone to grasping and manipulative behavior. Those living out of emotional bankruptcy often strive in unhealthy ways to obtain some sense of significance and security. The old saying is ‘hurting people hurt people’! The anecdote for striving to achieve security and significance is found in the power of the cross. Jesus stated, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’ Jesus came to earth and gave His life so that we might live out of a deeply fulfilling sense of significance and security as the sons and daughters of God, the Father. John 1, verse 12 reads, ‘To all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.’
Simply recognizing this truth on an intellectual or theological level, however, does not render Christians immune from acts of betrayal. The last several years have been ripe with hidden sins of betrayal by Christian leaders of parishioners. Accounts ranging from misappropriations of church finances to heavy-handed, manipulative leadership styles and sexual abuse by church leaders have sadly been almost constantly in the news for several years now. It’s not that there is simply an increase in abusive behavior by Christian leaders, but God is also revealing the secret sins that have been going on for quite a while. He is cleaning His house! For more on this, please see my blog posted February 26: here.
The confusion regarding one’s identity in Christ is not so much a correct theological perspective as it is an issue of the heart. When leaders begin to fall into the trap of gaining their identity, security, and significance through their achievements and positions, they are decisively marginalizing their true identity, significance, and security as sons or daughters of God. The servant heart of Jesus, who came to serve rather than be served, is marginalized by a demonic striving and grasping for position, power, and prestige. In startling contrast, Jesus was always free to take a lowly servant’s position. His secret for His freedom is found in John 13.3, which tells us Jesus knew where He had come from (the Father), where He was going (back to the Father), and that the Father had put all things into His hands!
So, if we recognize that betrayal, as hurtful and disappointing as it is, is almost unavoidable, how do we deal with it? If we take God at His Word, how can we experientially realize that God truly does work all things toward our good?
Essential Keys in Redeeming Betrayal
I want to identify two simple yet powerful steps to take when betrayal occurs. These steps can not only minimize its effects but turn the hurt into a blessing.
1. First, when betrayal occurs, we must constantly remind ourselves that God is good and committed to working out His good plans for our lives. In other words, we must not allow short-term disappointment to obscure long-term promises. Two verses that go hand in hand to this point are Jeremiah 29.11 and Romans 8.28, which respectively read;
‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope’,
and
‘we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.’
It’s highly beneficial to consider and pray about the ramifications of these powerful promises when betrayal or any serious disappointment comes along. Essentially, when combined, they point out that God has good plans for each of us, and He is more than capable of turning bad events into blessings. He is still in the business of giving us beauty for the ashes (destruction) in our lives. One cannot live a Christlike transformed life without a Biblically renewed outlook and mindset.
2. Secondly, we must obey God and His Word to realize His redemptive purposes. There is a reason why some seem to have the grace to move on from significant disappointment while others, in effect, remain victims for the rest of their lives. The necessary key is forgiveness.
Jesus stated in the Sermon on the Mount that if we fail to forgive those who have sinned against us, neither will our heavenly Father forgive us of our sins (Matthew 6.15). Jesus Himself modeled this when He hung on the cross in absolute physical torment and the emotional pain of betrayal. He prayed, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’ (Luke 23.34)
Author Anne Lamott penned a classic line regarding the cost of harboring bitterness and unforgiveness: ‘Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.’ Figuratively speaking, and sometimes even physically, she is right. As the writer of the Book of Hebrews indicated, holding onto bitterness not only defiles us but can potentially wreak havoc on many relationships and opportunities. (Hebrews 12.15) Even though initially we may have been an innocent victim of betrayal, if we hang on to bitterness and unforgiveness towards the perpetrator(s), we end up imprisoning ourselves in pain and defeat. In effect, we chain ourselves to our past hurts!
If we can pass these two tests, trusting God and issuing forgiveness, we can then enter God’s redemptive plans for our future. Barbara Kingsolver wrote the following words of wisdom- ‘Every betrayal contains a perfect moment, a coin stamped heads or tails with salvation on the other side.’ Obviously, those words might prove hard to put into perspective when we have experienced a considerable level of betrayal, resulting in severe loss and hurt. However, what helps in the process is coming to grips with how God defines success in life.
As an American, I have spent my entire life hearing about the American Dream. The American Dream, however, is not unique to those from the United States. Globally, it is the desire(s) to move beyond a hand-to-mouth existence, provide for our families, and have a decent retirement or pension. For many, however, it would also include accumulating luxury and wealth. We could discuss at length the balance between not having enough for the basics in life and the so-called health and wealth gospel. Suffice it to say, though, that God desires us to be goal-oriented in creating us in His image.
If we are to determine our goals from a Biblical mindset, however, we must accept that God’s foremost desire for each of us is not so much what we possess or have achieved as who we are! Romans 8.29 informs us that God wills that we, as His sons and daughters, be conformed to the image of Jesus! Any definition of success other than that falls short of God’s standards! While important, the specifics of where we are and what we are currently doing are secondary. For this reason, experiencing betrayal and loss can either be God’s unlikely door to promotion or the devil’s trapdoor of victimhood!
Philippians 2, verses 6-11, powerfully speak of the promotion of Jesus due to living, suffering, and forgiving out of a humble and obedient heart.
‘Though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father’.
If we emulate Jesus in our times of betrayal and give the gift of forgiveness as He did, we will grow more fit for positions of greater responsibility. We see this dynamic operating in Joseph’s life as well. He refused to embrace bitterness regarding the betrayals he experienced. By so doing, he grew into a man God could trust to walk and lead in great authority. If Joseph had responded to his brothers when they went to Egypt with a hardened heart, he most likely would have had them executed. That was the way of leaders in the ancient world. In so doing, he would have killed off the actual bloodline of Jacob and his sons- the very lineage of Jesus! Instead, Joseph responded to his guilt-ridden brothers with a Christ-like love and perspective as he proclaimed ‘” Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? 20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today. 21 So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus, he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.’ Joseph exemplified a Christ-like heart in allowing mercy to triumph over justice!
We mustn’t confuse forgiveness with forgetting when speaking of mercy and justice. Biblically speaking, while we must issue forgiveness, we must also hold perpetrators of serious crimes and hurts accountable- and sometimes intentionally walk away from hurtful relationships. In the last few years, we have seen an increase in serial criminals not facing consequences legally for their actions in many cities. Those cities have correspondingly experienced a rise in violent crime and theft. It is entirely misguided and naïve to think those who have a pattern of hurting and abusing are simply going to stop their behavior without any threat of consequence for their choices. There are, at times, dangerous consequences for offering unsanctified compassion. God states we should not be deceived! And, as David did in relationship with King Saul- when it comes to the point that remaining in an abusive relationship is dangerous to ourselves or others, it’s time to leave!
One of God’s great promises that powerfully affects almost every area of our lives is that more will be given if we are faithful in the small things. Too often, however, we shortchange ourselves (and the will of God) by not trusting and obeying God amid a crisis and/or loss. If we choose to lean not to our own understanding but to trust God amid our confusion and disappointment, then we will experience the fullness of God’s good plans and blessings. Despite the pain and hurt of the moment, we can come to the point in our journey where we realize that no purpose of God’s can be thwarted, even as Job did. Job 42.2 reads, ‘I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted’. And those purposes include His good plans for our lives!
When betrayal involves serious hurts, such as sexual abuse and/or long-term manipulation, both forgiveness and restoration will be a process rather than a one-time act. The deeper the hurt, the longer the process. An old saying appropriate to healing serious hurts goes like this; ‘Life is like an onion. You peel it one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep’! We also often need help from others in the body of Christ to realize our healing and regain a healthy perspective. Just as a severe physical wound necessitates treatment from a good doctor, so too severe wounds of the heart and spirit often require a good Biblically-based counselor to encourage, strengthen, and pray with us. In fact, realizing we need a good counselor and prayer partner who believes in us and our future is often the first step in regaining freedom and health.
Part of the devil’s entrapment in remaining a victim of the past is the temptation to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to loving and being loved by others. Yes, there certainly are Christians out there who are hurtful and abusive. However, there are far more Christians and churches out there that can help refresh, restore, and heal. We need one another! Don’t buy into the temptation to cut off all others when betrayal comes. It’s one of the greatest tactics of the devil to rob you of the love, restoration, and purposes of God in your life!
Contrary to the temptation to distrust all others out of fear of more betrayal, God will work through others in the church to replace our ashes with beauty if we allow Him to! The working out of God’s good plans in our lives is primarily through practicing loving one another, as Jesus championed in the Sermon on the Mount. Whether we realize it or not, to cut ourselves off from the Body of Christ is to cut ourselves off from the love of God in a huge way. The ‘just me and Jesus’ mentality is a deception from hell! The true measure of mature love is not to merely bless those who bless us. Rather, it is to bless when we are cursed, to give when we are robbed, to serve when we are used, and to believe God for His best even when we experience man’s worst!
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Ephesians 3.20-21
